Daughter(14 yr. old) is at the coast with a friend's family and has decided that she wants to come home early. We did talk about this before she left to go on this trip; she has dance camp to attend next week and wasn't sure she wanted to be away from home for 2 straight weeks. Her brothers are renting out her room as we speak and thinking of various strategies to employ in order to keep the 'peace and quiet' that has settled upon our house since her departure. I had thought, in my evil Mom mind, that once she was there - 2 blocks from the ocean ...not here - 105 temps and dirty air, she would decide she wanted to stay for the duration. She would stay; I would not have to spend $75 to drive over and retrieve her. Maybe that seems like nothing to some people but it's a lot of money to us and I don't want to spend it.....so there. I mentioned taking the bus home to our princess, $25 with the added bonus that I would not have to waste a day (ok 5 hours) on the road, but my daughter thinks that would be "gross and disgusting" and I'm not sure I can argue that point without breaking several commandments. Plus there is the safety issue of a teenage girl traveling alone...yada yada. I would never be able to live with the guilt if something should happen to her. But I hate that she might think that she won, that she got her way, that I was not putting her on a bus because she whined about it....that just sets us up for more of the same kind of battles in the future.
What's a Mom to do? I don't want to raise spoiled children, but I also don't want to go back on my word....
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3 years ago
3 comments:
I would let her face the consequences of making the choice to go. It's not always your job to go and rescue her. I totally understand about the $75 gas thing though; I think stuff like that all the time. It is definately a dilemma though because she will probably think she has won and use that to her advantage later.
Maybe you could compromise and let her take the bus halfway and then met her there. Or maybe have her pay the $75 or let her work it off at home. Like have her cook for a couple of nights or clean around the house. That way, she won't totally think she has won because she still had to work for it.
p.s. thanks for letting me know I am not alone (and for yelling it at me!); I really needed that today. =)
I don't have a teenaged daughter yet, and wanted to say so upfront because that means I am just guessing and have no idea what I'd actually do. But what I THINK I'd do is make it "up to her": I'd say that she could either stay at the coast as planned, or she could take the bus home---and I would pay for it. I'd phrase it like I was being extraordinarily generous to foot the bill for the bus.
And then when I got too nervous imagining how awful I'd feel if something happened to her on the bus, I would do something my own parents did only very occasionally: they would say, "I have changed my mind." They would say it almost royally, and it used to make an impression on me. Then I'd claim that I was changing my mind for my OWN benefit: I would say that actually I was too worried about the bus and would come get her myself.
Or, I might say, "Sorry, we talked about this ahead of time; you'll need to stay there as planned. See you at the end of the week." That takes care of the bus issue AND the picking-up issue AND it leaves you with your peace and quiet.
you are quite welcome constance 32!
...and unfortunately I didn't read either of these 2 wonderful pieces of advice until AFTER I got home from the coast....yes I caved. Hubby was not at all comfortable with 3 hours on a bus and DD reminded me that I had told her she would have the option of coming home if she wanted (that was my mistake here).
I did love your comment Swistle on your parents saying that they changed their minds (almost royally)...we do that occasionally when we have to go back on our pronouncements. Our kids know (I think) that in some cases we will listen to their arguments after we have said no if they are reasonable. I always thought if was a sign of weakness to go back on a NO, but I think it lets kids see you as something other than a dictator (or at least a benevolent one:)
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