I write and photograph sports for the local paper....freelance for now, tho I would love to go full time (the paper comes out once a week, so full-time is a bit of a misnomer). I'm enjoying getting the chance after being a SAHM for 20years to use my 'gift' such as it is. But being out and about more than I have in the past definitely puts me outside my comfort zone. I'm a decent photographer, pretty good writer, fairly good sense of humor (well, not ALL the time) but I get discouraged dealing with what any idiot past the age of 7 can tell you....none of these things is as highly valued in our screwed up world as is beauty. And to quote Coach from Cheers...I am "not exactly comfortable with my looks". Ok, I'm unattractive...maybe not scare-small-children ugly, but certainly not pretty as the world views it. When my husband says I'm beautiful I actually cringe. In the movie Shallow Hal, I can totally relate to Rosemary in this scene.....
Rosemary: Hal, do me a favor and stop saying that I'm pretty and that I'm not fat, ok? Cause it makes me uncomfortable.
Hal: Umm, ok. Do you have a problem with compliments?
Rosemary: Look, I know what I am and I know what I'm not. I'm the girl who, you know, gets really good grades and who's not afraid to be funny. And I'm the girl who has a lot of friends who are boys and no boyfriends. I'm not beautiful, ok, and I never will be. And I'm fine with that. But when you go around saying I'm something that I'm not, it's just, it's just not nice.
I know my husband is a dear for thinking I'm attractive and I'm thankful he is attracted to me....but I know what I look like, I've seen myself in the mirror, I'm not an idiot. If I was asked to give up my talent and my sense of humor for beauty, I might just jump at the chance....how sad is that? The truth is, I'm mad that I can't have both. I don't even want to look like Sandra Bullock (or someone you think is beautiful) ...heck I'd take average, plain Jane, funky looking....just to not be this ugly old lady I see staring back at me in the mirror.
I hide behind my camera...it makes me invisible; I can hardly go anywhere without it as my shield. I guess I should be thankful that at least I have that to protect me.
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3 years ago
4 comments:
Hey, I'm not beautiful (but my husband too thinks so - especially when he wants some) and poor middle class too. We should be friends. My kick-ass sense of humor; that's why people like me. At least you have a talent. Mine is being able to make all my kids cry at the exact same time. That takes skill, my friend. ;)
OMG....LMAO... the sad thing is I have definitely been there, done that...and usually I'm in the middle crying too!
I also think that women are their own worst critics. You are probably lovelier than you can see. And your husband? He probably sees YOU tied in with your appearance and that makes you even more beautiful to him.
That said, I know exactly what you mean when you write this.
I'm laughing at C the 32nd.
Justme, you are obviously caring and talented and funny. I know how you feel about the hubs thing, though.
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