Constance the Frog

In which I whine more about family

2009-07-23T18:18:00.000-07:00

Evil SIL posted a comment on my blog, after reading a blog post where I talked about my family dilemma. I did not name names, I did not go into anything she had done, just my own insecurities in dealing with this situation. She tore into me like I've never experienced, including my housekeeping skills (or lack of) my dirty children, money she loaned us (never happened) , my bad parenting (said we were responsible for our son being hit by a car - when he was thirteen and WEARING A HELMIT) and finally that we had stolen stuff from her parents home after they died.....WTF?!?!?!?

When I erased the comment she got mad, then she got mad because my 15yr. old daughter (her niece) saw it and was appalled enough to write to tell her to stay away from her. My SIL insists I showed it to her (lie) and called me an asshole for doing so.

I'm so frustrated and sad and disappointed and obsessing like an idiot......I know I need to just let it go.

The one absolute saving grace in all this....my daughter has had her eyes opened to the evil that is her aunt. I'm sorry she had to find out the truth, but then again I'm relieved. I have felt so alone for so long (hubby is great but wrote his sister off years ago) and to have her stand up for me (she used to adore her aunt) was a gift from God....literally!

I'm back....

2009-07-09T15:23:00.000-07:00

...but I'm not sure why. I guess my family has for the most part been quiet for almost a year and suddenly the monster that is my SIL rears her ugly head and I need to rant. I just can't understand the alternate reality that some people live in...and I'm using the term reality pretty loosely here. Their version of events is SO incredibly skewed as to resemble the truth about as much as a Oliver Stone movie. And no matter how many people tell her that she is wrong, she's sticking to her version like glue. Mostly because in her version she can do no wrong and I am the princess of darkness....sigh. I'm tired of the battle and frankly would just like to erase her from our lives.

You can't pick your relatives and you can't argue with crazy people. I'm having t-shirts made.

Tired

2008-10-20T09:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's hard to even work up a good rant.

Posts reinstated

2008-08-26T07:52:00.000-07:00

Well I put them back up...on my personal blog (see previous post).

I got to thinking....what was I ashamed of? I didn't name names, I didn't personally attack, I didn't bring up ancient history....I explained from my point of view just what she had done to me in this situation (see all of the above:) and wrote about how painful it was. I wrote the truth....my truth to be sure, but my experience as I saw it. And isn't that what a blog is all about? She wouldn't talk to me or even listen to me....so I took to the Internet to tell my side of the story. I have always been, and remain, willing to sit down and work this out with my SIL. But if that is to happen all parties must be willing to hear the other side of the story. If she wants to attack us with things that supposedly happened 7 years ago, I may not be able to summon the anger that she can but I don't have amnesia. I remember what she did, how she treated us....just because we have refrained from ANY kind of attack and are committed to sticking to the issue at hand does not mean we have forgotten her bad behavior. We had forgiven, we had moved on, but deep down we remained wary....and as it turns out we had good reason to be.

My blog is MY blog, it's for my story, my personal discovery, and hopefully it's a place where I will learn and grow by expressing myself. I had hoped that this particular story would end with compassion, resolution and maybe a few tears. I had hoped that it would end happy....but my gut says that is not going to happen, at least not in the foreseeable future. Her pathology is so severe, her lies so ingrained that I think it would take years of therapy before she would be willing to accept her shame. She has been running from the guilt of her own actions for so long that I doubt this will be resolved without professional help.

For my part, I will continue to pray for her and to wish her well. I hope she can find peace in her life, but she will not be welcome in mine until she deals with her issues.

ps. A recommendation for those of you dealing with narcissistic family members ....

People of the Lie by Scott Peck
Why is is Always About You? by Sandy Hotchkiss

It's very comforting to know that you are not alone and YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!!

Exposed

2008-08-13T08:13:00.000-07:00

Ooops....my SIL (husbands sister who I talked about in great detail on this blog) found my other personal blog....eek! I didn't go into nearly as much detail as I did here (I've since taken down those posts tho I may put them back). I didn't identify her but I know she recognized herself because of the situation. I believe I used the term narcissist more than once (which tho better than 'bitch', I'm sure wasn't appreciated) and talked about her cruelty to myself and my husband and her exasperating habit of dumping her garbage and guilt onto others...specifically me. She shared it with several people, including hubbys brother (I have a tracker and bro uses a company computer).

Neither one has mentioned it, tho she hasn't actually talked to us in months anyway. We told her after all the crap she said about us (in emails) that we needed a break from her until she was willing to sit down and talk to us...so far she has refused. In a way I'm relieved that my side of the 'story' was heard; she has refused to talk to me from the beginning even tho it was me who pissed her off....my husband was just collateral damage because he took my side (duh). But I worry about how she will portray my writing about her 'on the Internet'. I'm sure she will tell everyone that I was sharing personal stuff with the world (tho my blog is only read by about 5 people....on a good day). And there are people in the family that I actually care about.

I do admit that venting on a blog about personal issues is probably not the best idea in the world...but I truly thought she would never see it....she hates the computer...and I have since taken down the 3 posts that were specific to her. A couple others are still up that she might take personally (because they fit) but they are more general to several family members (post on my brother and SIL below). I did several posts on fake apologies and mean emails but they apply to everyone....including ME.

Familial saga...continued

2008-07-24T16:17:00.001-07:00

I was going to respond in the comment section to both Constances....one million LOL, thanks for the support:) ...but I felt that because my last post was so short it may not have imparted the gravity of my brothers idiocy.

I've had my differences with my mother too, and even taken a break when I thought she was being insensitive. But we worked it out, we talk about our hurt feelings and we apologize to each other...and here's a thought... we ACCEPT that tho we may both be dense at times, we are not malicious and we (and this is the universal WE) deserve some compassion when we screw up.

In the case of my brother, HE started this (or more to the point...his wife started this) and now is estranged from the entire family (except the one brother who lives 1,000 miles away). Wife wrote a pissy note to my Mom when mom asked everyone to the birthday party for my brother, said she wanted OUT of the family because of the way they were being treated. Bro then wrote to say that his new bride had gone out of her way to be accepted into this family (was actually a better daughter than her own...ouch, that would be me - and my 2 sisters) and that we had done "nothing for her".....Huh???

She had been a part of our family, thru the ups and downs of their screwball courtship EVEN when they were broken up (which was every other week...they actually were quite entertaining) She was invited to weekly Sunday night dinners (even when he was away), Mom took her to lunch often, we gave her and her son (by another relationship) birthday and Christmas gifts, WE DID ACCEPT THEM (that's me yelling). And trust me....that acceptance did not come naturally. My brother has always been an outsider in our large, loving family...by his own hand. He is a narcissistic, condescending, foul-mouthed buffoon who thinks nothing of telling us all what morons we are.

She is not much better, tho it took us a while to figure that out. But she is much more devious, can be charming one minute and stab you in the back the next. I actually think the estrangement was planned on her part, to separate us from them intentionally....so she wouldn't have anyone to contradict the lie she's been living since day one of their relationship and on into the marriage. SO many lies...she actually used to brag to me about all the little 'stories' she was telling my brother in order to get him to do something her way...including trying to get pregnant without him knowing. I figured she would have to cut me out, I knew too much, but was actually surprised when she went after my Mother. Mom has always been a bit niave when it comes to evil bitch and I figured she would be easy to manipulate. But maybe she knew we would all talk and it would be just too much trouble trying to keep all her stories straight.

I think she is the puppet master (I actually had the urge once to ask my brother if his wife could drink a glass of water while he was talking :) When he went to my mom about the money, she jumped at the chance to drive a wedge between Mother and son. I'm kind of surprised my bro was that easily manipulated but he is an adult and after 2 years....come on! Our entire family has been extremely patient (this blog is where I bitch and call them names) and we have continued to let them know that we just want to sit down and work this out like ADULTS. I've haven't been given the silent treatment since 5th grade and it was silly then.

If it wasn't for those pesky Menedez brothers, I think my bro would have a shot at Worst son on the Planet award.....tee hee.

Two in mine Sire....

2008-07-22T18:31:00.000-07:00

My brother just may be the biggest asshole in the entire world....hah! He and evil bitch wife have not spoken to my mom (other than to tell her that he "can't have her in his life") for over two years now. She has never gotten to see her new grandchildren, he married late (45) and had twins right away. He and evil bitch got their panties in a bunch after their wedding because the family didn't get a party together fast enuf and then decided to have a birthday celebration for our brother who lost his wife the preceding winter. What we have since found out (he actually talked to one brother -there are 7 of us kids total) was that they were "hurt" because my Mom didn't offer to loan them money after their honeymoon..."even tho she knew we were broke"????? $10,000 ring on evil bitches finger, $30,ooo invitro fertilization, $$$Las Vegas honeymoon.....and you expect MOM to loan you money. How far up your ass is your head dear brother???

Today, my sweet 77yr. old mother called to tell me that cretinous boob brother returned the birthday card (and $50 check) she had sent the twins....without opening it. I do believe steam is actually coming out of my ears as we speak....Ugh, what a creep!

Gotta love resolution

2008-07-08T19:50:00.000-07:00

So, you're mad at someone (say... your sister, who you usually love unconditionally:) and you want to fix things. You could write her a nice email and you say something like......"how about we call this one Mom's fault and be friends again?"...then possibly, sis will reply with a very sweet email saying that she may have over-reacted and all is well again. Imperfect people (that would be me) should never be unwilling to suck it up and just let it go. Next time it will probably be her turn :)

Dilemma

2008-07-02T11:18:00.000-07:00

Daughter(14 yr. old) is at the coast with a friend's family and has decided that she wants to come home early. We did talk about this before she left to go on this trip; she has dance camp to attend next week and wasn't sure she wanted to be away from home for 2 straight weeks. Her brothers are renting out her room as we speak and thinking of various strategies to employ in order to keep the 'peace and quiet' that has settled upon our house since her departure. I had thought, in my evil Mom mind, that once she was there - 2 blocks from the ocean ...not here - 105 temps and dirty air, she would decide she wanted to stay for the duration. She would stay; I would not have to spend $75 to drive over and retrieve her. Maybe that seems like nothing to some people but it's a lot of money to us and I don't want to spend it.....so there. I mentioned taking the bus home to our princess, $25 with the added bonus that I would not have to waste a day (ok 5 hours) on the road, but my daughter thinks that would be "gross and disgusting" and I'm not sure I can argue that point without breaking several commandments. Plus there is the safety issue of a teenage girl traveling alone...yada yada. I would never be able to live with the guilt if something should happen to her. But I hate that she might think that she won, that she got her way, that I was not putting her on a bus because she whined about it....that just sets us up for more of the same kind of battles in the future.

What's a Mom to do? I don't want to raise spoiled children, but I also don't want to go back on my word....

Beautiful...NOT!

2008-06-11T14:36:00.000-07:00

I write and photograph sports for the local paper....freelance for now, tho I would love to go full time (the paper comes out once a week, so full-time is a bit of a misnomer). I'm enjoying getting the chance after being a SAHM for 20years to use my 'gift' such as it is. But being out and about more than I have in the past definitely puts me outside my comfort zone. I'm a decent photographer, pretty good writer, fairly good sense of humor (well, not ALL the time) but I get discouraged dealing with what any idiot past the age of 7 can tell you....none of these things is as highly valued in our screwed up world as is beauty. And to quote Coach from Cheers...I am "not exactly comfortable with my looks". Ok, I'm unattractive...maybe not scare-small-children ugly, but certainly not pretty as the world views it. When my husband says I'm beautiful I actually cringe. In the movie Shallow Hal, I can totally relate to Rosemary in this scene.....

Rosemary: Hal, do me a favor and stop saying that I'm pretty and that I'm not fat, ok? Cause it makes me uncomfortable.
Hal: Umm, ok. Do you have a problem with compliments?
Rosemary: Look, I know what I am and I know what I'm not. I'm the girl who, you know, gets really good grades and who's not afraid to be funny. And I'm the girl who has a lot of friends who are boys and no boyfriends. I'm not beautiful, ok, and I never will be. And I'm fine with that. But when you go around saying I'm something that I'm not, it's just, it's just not nice.

I know my husband is a dear for thinking I'm attractive and I'm thankful he is attracted to me....but I know what I look like, I've seen myself in the mirror, I'm not an idiot. If I was asked to give up my talent and my sense of humor for beauty, I might just jump at the chance....how sad is that? The truth is, I'm mad that I can't have both. I don't even want to look like Sandra Bullock (or someone you think is beautiful) ...heck I'd take average, plain Jane, funky looking....just to not be this ugly old lady I see staring back at me in the mirror.
I hide behind my camera...it makes me invisible; I can hardly go anywhere without it as my shield. I guess I should be thankful that at least I have that to protect me.

It's only 8th grade!

2008-06-07T11:57:00.000-07:00

Valedictorian does not mean 'exclude all'. It does not give you permission to make a speech extolling your virtues, bragging about your grade point average and telling your class, rather condescendingly, that you are "no different than any of them". Being first in your class gives you the opportunity to speak FOR your class, not TO them, and not completely negating them.

Geez!... did she even run this by her parents or are they so blinded by the stunning achievements of their first born that they've lost perspective.

As my brother said afterward....I'm surprised she didn't break her arm patting herself on the back.

Broken

2008-06-04T09:13:00.000-07:00

My sister, whom I love dearly, is going thru one of the worst, most depressing periods in her life right now and I feel helpless to encourage her in any way. She has lived a life of drug abuse and eating disorders after being sexually abused as a child and raped as a teenager...and all of this went mostly unnoticed in our fairly normal, slightly dysfunctional family.

She was the 5th of 7 kids (I'm the second) maybe there was just too much going on at the time...maybe it was her nature of turning everything inward that allowed her to disappear in the crowd....but it kept her from reaching out to anyone around her. We were too busy with our own realities to be overly concerned with the wall-flower who drifted along in our wake. She has grown up to be a broken, sad, incredibly funny (yes, that's there too) tormented individual who at this point can find little reason to get up in the morning. She is seeing a therapist, thank God, she has started a blog, for better or worse, and she does have an incredibly caring partner (they are gay but abstinent Christians who have decided to break away from the lifestyle...whole other post there).

I am frustrated because I don't know what I can do to help her and I feel guilty for not noticing her while I was growing up...not protecting her from the bad guys. My childhood was happy, normal, fun....and hers was a nightmare. How could I have missed this sad little creature living down the hall from me....why didn't I take care of her....and where the hell were my parents?

Meet my Sister-in-Law

2008-06-02T14:05:00.000-07:00

narcissism
noun
1. Excessive love or admiration of oneself. See conceit.
2. A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation,lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.

There's one in every Family, Two in Mine

2008-06-02T10:48:00.001-07:00

This anonymous blog is going to be great for my home life. I can vent all my family crap and my dear sweet husband doesn't have to listen to it any more than is absolutely necessary...and since this one involves his side of the family (we'll get to mine later:) I get to be honest about my feelings without hurting his.

Since Feb. we have been dealing with his crazy-ass sister who (long story short) I annoyed/pissed off to the point of her exploding and attacking me with things from as far back as 7 years, calling me names, cursing at me, and eventually when I was weeping from the onslaught and begging her to tell me why she was so mad at me... hanging up on me. Since then, she has written several vicious emails outlining my flaws, including my mothering (ouch). My husband has called several times (and was too nice in my opinion....not that nice isn't a good thing but she takes nice and twists it around to imply that you agree with her....she seems to only understand mean and nasty...which we have tried desperately to NOT be) and I have emailed (she won't talk to me)....mostly just to say that we need to work this out, we need to get together and find out why she is so upset about things that happened so long ago....but she sees "no point in going thru the past again, no good will come of it".....HUH??? ... I'm in an episode of The Twilight Zone.

Anyhoo, this is one of the letters we got after I wrote and sent her a photo I was working on for her (part of the long story) as kind of a peace offering and to keep the lines of communication open....

For what it is worth, I am really sorry about all of this. I am sure it has been very painful for you as it has for me...

She sent this to us again last week as 'Proof' that she had apologized …..She was incredulous when we finally told her that we needed a break from her and she wanted to know why....why we couldn't just "move on"....??? I love when people leave you cut and bleeding on the floor and wonder why you can't just "get over it". I made a statement to the effect that though I had not asked for an apology I just wanted her to stop saying that she had, "apologized over and over" because it wasn't true.

Now for those who think I am being picky in what kind of apologies I will accept as genuine, let me first say that when we got this letter, both DH and I thought that it was a start (albeit a fairly lame one)... it was by far the kindest thing she had said to me in months and I took it as the beginning of a softening in her attitude toward me. She seemed somewhat contrite. Tho it ends with poor pitiful me, it does seem to express some kind of remorse and at that point we were hanging onto whatever little morsel of hope we could find. BUT (and it’s a big but here) the very next day… not 24 hours later, before we even had a chance to formulate a response….she wrote us the most scathing attack letter to date (and it came on Steve’s birthday). What happened in that space of time to make her go from a teeny bit conciliatory to outright hostility? At this point I’m watching the Judy Miller show (Gilda Radnor, SNL ...spastic, ADHD, talking to herself and responding to her own rantings) I'm thinking that she's re-read the nice letter and decided it sounded wimpy. So when she holds this up as evidence of her "many apologies” ...I find it a bit disingenuous….she was obviously just reloading the canons.

“ I’m really sorry about all this” ….MY sister made that very same statement to me (and she loves me) because she saw the pain I was in…..it’s not an admission of any kind of responsibility, it’s what you say to commiserate with fellow victims.

“I am sure IT has been very painful for you” ???????

IT has been painful…. ….I wasn’t in a car accident, SHE caused the pain and she’s talking about IT as if it was some sort of entity.

My first rant

2008-05-30T09:20:00.001-07:00

Having lunch with a friend today, helped her empty her moms house cause she recently died and she casually brings up her travel plans for the summer… two kids have both left home and she and hubby are going to Hawaii and Mexico this summer…time shares. She then jokes…tee hee… that they own too many time shares (5 total, 3 different locations) …eek! Last week I dug up another100 sq. ft of back yard to plant more garden…more food (all 4 of our kids are still at home….God love’em) and I have to listen to this good friend, one of my very best friends, bemoan the rising cost of food and gas while planning her next trip to TWO of their too many time shares !!!!!!!

We’re giving up cable and cell phones so we can eat (and yes I know that sounds spoiled in and of itself but as useless as both these things are, we are USED to them and it’s hard to give them up) We are selling our gas-guzzling truck, which we actually USE as a truck…to buy a tiny unsafe cracker-jack used car so we will not have to take out loans to fill the tank. Geez, if I had money I would so be designing an electric car….come on Ed, you got money….you and your Hollywood friends need to do something besides asking grandmas in Idaho to contribute to American Idol Gives Back (he actually wasn’t on the show, but a lot of those overpaid egomanical hacks were….write a check for goodness sake!)

But I digress….can you love someone and be totally disgusted by their extravagance?…or not that even…it’s the extravagance combined with the whining….the oh we’re so poor, we’re just like you, isn’t it just awful…..why don’t you take an aerobics class with me, it’s only $75…. And all I can think is ...that’s 8 packages of toilet paper….or 15 frozen pizzas…or (most importantly) ...…

8 bottles of half-way decent wine (I did mention the 4 kids still at home, didn’t I?)

I hate being poor…ok, middle class…. I hate living paycheck to paycheck…I hate losing sleep over paying the bills….

…man I AM a big whiner, but boy that felt good